LONELINESS AND THE NEED TO LOVE AND BE LOVED

 

Building Connections, Feeling Understood and Developing a Healthy Relationship with Yourself

Human beings have a fundamental need for connection.

One of the basic needs in human life is to establish meaningful relationships with others. Family relationships, friendships, romantic relationships and social groups can help individuals feel valued, safe and supported.

University life brings many new beginnings. Moving to a new city, meeting different people, living away from family, changes in one’s social environment and concerns about the future may cause students to experience feelings of loneliness from time to time.

Sometimes, a person may feel lonely even when surrounded by others. This is because loneliness is not simply related to how many people are physically present. It is also connected to whether an individual feels understood, cared for and that they belong.

Feeling lonely is a natural part of being human. What matters is not allowing this feeling to completely control your life and taking small steps towards developing healthy and meaningful connections.

 

1. What Is Loneliness?

Loneliness is an emotional experience that may arise when individuals feel that they do not have sufficient social closeness, understanding or emotional support.

Loneliness may involve:

•    Being physically alone;

•    Feeling misunderstood even when surrounded by others;

•    Feeling that there is no one with whom to share emotions;

•    Feeling that you do not belong to a group; or

•    Experiencing a lack of close relationships.

Loneliness may generally be experienced in two different forms.

1.1. Physical Loneliness

Physical loneliness refers to having relatively few people around you or spending much of your time alone.

Examples may include:

•    Moving to a new city;

•    Living in student accommodation for the first time;

•    Experiencing changes in your friendship circle; or

•    Living away from your family.

1.2. Emotional Loneliness

Emotional loneliness refers to feeling, even when other people are physically present, that:

•    You are not understood;

•    You are not supported;

•    You are unable to develop emotional closeness; or

•    You are unable to share your feelings.

Emotional loneliness can sometimes be more difficult to cope with than simply being physically alone.

 

2. What Is the Need to Love and Be Loved?

Loving and being loved are among the fundamental psychological needs of human beings.

People generally want to:

•    Feel valued;

•    Be accepted;

•    Be understood;

•    Feel supported;

•    Feel important to another person; and

•    Experience emotional closeness.

Healthy relationships can contribute to:

•    A sense of security;

•    A sense of belonging;

•    Happiness;

•    Meaning in life; and

•    Greater resilience during difficult times.

However, the need for love may sometimes lead individuals to base their entire sense of self-worth on the attention or approval of others.

It is important to recognise the difference between the following thoughts:

“I need to feel loved.”

and

“If I am not loved, I am worthless.”

The need for connection is natural. However, your personal worth should not depend entirely on how much attention, approval or affection you receive from other people.

 

3. The Difference Between Loneliness and Being Alone

Being alone is not always a negative experience.

Healthy time spent alone can provide opportunities to:

•    Rest;

•    Understand yourself better;

•    Engage in hobbies;

•    Reflect; and

•    Recognise your own needs.

Loneliness that becomes problematic, however, may involve:

•    Unwanted social withdrawal;

•    Difficulty establishing connections;

•    A persistent sense of emptiness;

•    Thoughts of worthlessness; and

•    Avoidance of other people.

The aim is not to avoid ever being alone.

Rather, the goal is to develop a healthy relationship with yourself when you are alone while also being able to connect with others when you need closeness and support.

 

4. Why Can Loneliness Increase During University Life?

University is a period in which many changes may occur at the same time.

Several experiences can contribute to increased feelings of loneliness.

Adjusting to a New Environment

This may involve:

•    Trying to develop new friendships;

•    Meeting people with different personalities and backgrounds; and

•    Having difficulty finding a social group in which you feel that you belong.

Living Away from Family

Students who are living away from their families for the first time may experience:

•    Homesickness;

•    A sense of insecurity; and

•    Feeling unsupported.

Academic Pressure

Factors such as:

•    A demanding academic schedule;

•    Fear of failure; and

•    Limited time

may reduce the amount of time a student can devote to social relationships.

Social Comparison

Social media and the lives of people around us may sometimes lead to thoughts such as:

•    “Everyone else seems to have an amazing life.”

•    “Why is my life not like that?”

•    “Nobody is interested in me.”

It is important to remember that what people share on social media usually represents only selected parts of their lives.

Social media rarely provides a complete picture of another person’s experiences, difficulties or relationships.

 

5. Signs of Loneliness

Loneliness may be reflected in emotional, cognitive and behavioural experiences.

Emotional Signs

These may include:

•    Feelings of emptiness;

•    Sadness;

•    Feeling misunderstood;

•    Feelings of worthlessness;

•    Longing;

•    Hopelessness; and

•    Feeling excluded.

Cognitive Signs

Thoughts associated with loneliness may include:

•    “Nobody really understands me.”

•    “Nobody cares about me.”

•    “I am different from everyone else.”

•    “Nobody would want me.”

These thoughts may sometimes become stronger under the influence of loneliness and may not always accurately reflect the actual attitudes of other people.

Behavioural Signs

Behavioural changes may include:

•    Withdrawing from others;

•    Avoiding social activities;

•    Not responding to messages;

•    Avoiding new relationships; and

•    Attempting to fill feelings of emptiness through continuous phone or social media use.

 

6. How Can Loneliness Affect Mental Health?

Persistent and intense loneliness may:

•    Increase depressive symptoms;

•    Increase anxiety;

•    Reduce self-confidence;

•    Affect sleep patterns;

•    Make coping with stress more difficult; and

•    Reduce academic motivation.

However, loneliness does not have to be a permanent condition.

Developing new social connections, strengthening existing relationships and adopting a more supportive attitude towards yourself may help reduce feelings of loneliness.

 

7. What Can You Do to Help Yourself?

7.1. Begin by Connecting with Yourself

Sometimes, loneliness may become stronger when individuals have ignored their own needs for a long period.

Ask yourself:

•    What do I need right now?

•    Do I need rest?

•    Do I need to talk to someone?

•    Do I need to participate in an activity?

•    Do I need to ask for support?

Understanding yourself and your own needs is one of the foundations of healthy relationships.

 

7.2. Take Small Social Steps

Meeting new people can sometimes feel difficult.

Instead of setting large social goals, begin with smaller steps.

You might:

•    Send a message to a friend;

•    Speak to the person sitting next to you in class;

•    Attend an event on campus;

•    Join a student club; or

•    Spend time in shared spaces such as the library or common areas.

Social relationships often develop through small, repeated interactions rather than through a single major experience.

 

7.3. Express Yourself Instead of Expecting Others to Automatically Understand

Sometimes, people may not be able to support us simply because they do not know what we are experiencing.

You might try saying:

•    “I have been feeling a little lonely recently.”

•    “I feel like I need to talk to someone.”

•    “Would you like to spend some time together?”

•    “I could use some support today.”

Sharing emotions openly can help strengthen relationships.

 

7.4. Reduce Expectations of Perfect Friendships

Some individuals may think:

“I need someone who understands me completely.”

However, real relationships:

•    Develop over time;

•    Require mutual effort;

•    Become stronger through small shared experiences; and

•    Are not perfect.

The goal is not to develop a perfect relationship.

The goal is to develop relationships that are genuine, safe and based on mutual respect.

 

7.5. Reduce Social Comparison

Constantly comparing yourself with other people may increase feelings of loneliness.

Ask yourself:

•    Am I really seeing the full picture of this person’s life?

•    Am I comparing their strongest moments with my own difficulties?

•    Can I focus more on my own development instead?

Your own progress and relationships do not need to look like those of other people.

 

7.6. Develop a Healthy Relationship with Yourself

Being able to spend meaningful and enjoyable time alone can strengthen psychological resilience.

You may consider:

•    Developing a new hobby;

•    Exercising;

•    Reading;

•    Exploring new places;

•    Keeping a journal;

•    Listening to music; or

•    Engaging in a creative or productive activity.

The relationship you develop with yourself also forms an important foundation for your relationships with others.

 

7.7. Distinguish Healthy Love from Unhealthy Dependency

In a Healthy Relationship:

•    Both individuals have their own lives and interests.

•    There is mutual respect and trust.

•    Both individuals support one another.

•    Each person is able to spend time apart from the other.

In an Unhealthy Dependent Relationship:

•    Happiness depends entirely on the other person.

•    There is a constant need for reassurance and approval.

•    Fear of abandonment begins to control daily life.

•    The individual repeatedly ignores their own needs in order to maintain the relationship.

Being loved is important, but your value as a person is not determined solely by whether or how much other people love you.

 

8. When Should You Seek Professional Support?

Professional support may be beneficial if:

•    You have been experiencing intense loneliness for a long period;

•    You consistently find it difficult to establish relationships with others;

•    You frequently feel worthless;

•    You experience symptoms of depression or severe anxiety;

•    You completely avoid social environments;

•    Your daily functioning is being affected;

•    Loneliness makes you feel disconnected from life; or

•    You experience thoughts of harming yourself.

You do not need to wait until your difficulties become severe before seeking support.

Seeking help at an earlier stage may make it easier to understand your needs, strengthen your coping skills and develop healthier relationships.

 

9. How Can You Support a Friend Who Feels Lonely?

If someone you know is experiencing loneliness, there are several ways you can provide support.

Helpful Approaches

•    Listen to them.

•    Do not minimise their feelings.

•    Invite them to spend time together.

•    Help them feel that they are not alone.

•    Encourage them to seek professional support when necessary.

Statements to Avoid

Avoid expressions such as:

•    “Don’t worry about it.”

•    “Just go out and socialise.”

•    “Everyone else has friends.”

•    “You are making too much of this.”

Sometimes, one of the most valuable forms of support a person can receive is simply having someone who genuinely listens.

 

10. Reminders for Yourself

Remember:

•    Everyone may feel lonely from time to time.

•    Feeling lonely does not mean that you are unloved.

•    Your worth is not measured by how many people love you.

•    Healthy relationships develop over time.

•    Asking for help is part of developing meaningful connections.

•    Building a healthy relationship with yourself can help you develop healthier relationships with others.

 

SMALL STEPS FOR TODAY

Today:

•    I sent a message to someone.

•    I considered participating in a social activity.

•    I tried to share my feelings with someone.

•    I made time for myself.

•    I engaged in an activity that I enjoy.

•    I tried not to compare myself with others.

•    I recognised whether I needed support.

Small connections can become the beginning of strong and meaningful relationships over time.